A Salesman was walking down a country road one day and saw a pig with a wooden leg running around in a front yard.

He couldn't believe his eyes....A PIG WITH A WOODEN LEG!

He just couldn't resist walking up to the farmhouse and asking the man in the yard about the pig.

He walked up and said "Why does your pig have a wooden leg?"

Well says the man....let me tell you about the time my house was on fire.

My house was on fire and my daughter was inside and couldn't get out, the pig went in and dragged her out!

But I want to know why your pig has a wooden leg says the salesman!

Well says the man.....let me tell you about the time my daughter was out riding her new bicycle.

My daughter was riding her new bicycle in the road and this truck was coming and was going to hit her but the pig ran out and pushed my daughter out of the way!

But I want to know why the pig has a wooden leg, says the salesman getting angry?

Well says the man, would you eat a pig like that all at once!!

     A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.

      "What are the three most important things you should bring with you  in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

      Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
      Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

     "Yes, Timmy,  what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

     Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

     "Why's that Timmy?"

     "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

     "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.

     "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire,  someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine
     on top of that black ten!"

     Q: What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
     A: A bald eagle.

     Scoutmaster: "Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?"
     Tender Foot: "Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!"

     Scoutmaster: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
     Tender Foot: But I want to learn to swim

       The Smartest Man In the World

             A Grandmother, Boy scout, Teacher, and the Smartest Man in the world were
              on a plane. After a while, it was known that plane was failing and was about
              to crash. There were only three parachutes, and four passengers. Being the
             Smartest Man in the world, he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

              The teacher, also being smart, thought to herself, 'teachers are needed in the
              world to teach their knowledge to other.' So with that, she took a parachute
              and jumped out the plane.

              The Grandmother, being very wise, said to the boy scout, "I am old. I have
               lived my life. You are still a young boy. Go, and take the last parachute."
               But the Boy scout said, "No, it's okay. There are two parachutes left. The
               Smartest Man in the world took my backpack."

                      News Flash!!! Grizzly Bear Warning
                       from the Department of Fish & Game

             In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
              Department of Fish & Game is advising Scouts, hikers, hunters,
             and fishermen to wear little bells tied to their clothing while in the field.

              It has been strongly advised that Scouts and outdoors men wear
               noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that
               aren't expecting outdoors man to be walking in their habitat.

             It has also been strongly advised for Scouts and outdoors men to
              carry non-lethal pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

              The Department states it is a good idea to watch out for fresh
             signs of bear activity. Scouts and outdoors men should be able to
             recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

              Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and many
              times squirrel fur.

             Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it, smells like pepper and many
              pieces of red, tan and green fabric.

     Top Ten Reasons you might be a Boy Scout

     10.You can say fleur-de-lis and know what one is and occasionally are wearing one

     9. You have done a whipping and a lashing with no physical harm to anyone.

     8. You know how to speak in a native tongue Wimachtendienk, Wingolauchsik, Whitahemui.

     7. Your shoes are tied with a square knot so the bow goes across them.

     6. You work on camp staff for less wages than flipping burgers at McDonalds to meet girls on
         parents night.

     5. You're sleeping in a tent and you are not homeless.

     4. You're all dressed up and ready to go out, and have an American flag on your clothing.

     3. You're higher than a star because you're an eagle.

     2. You help a little old lady across the street without hearing the words "HELP! PURSE
        SNATCHER!".

     1. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight

     Top Ten Reasons Why I'm In Scouting

     10 - My basement was empty and needed remodeling anyway.

     9 - I get to wear a uniform.

     8 - I like the smell of bug repellent.

     7 - I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods.

     6 - I'm in it for the crafts.

     5 - I'm allergic to house chores (needed something to fill the void).

     4 - I get quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends.

     3 - It's a great way to collect coffee mugs.

     2 - I needed a tax write off.

     1 - It only takes an hour each week.

       You Might be a Boy Scout if....

          you begin to think half frozen French fries don't taste that bad
          you keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner
          you spontaneously break into strange songs in public
          you can stare at a spider web for an hour and not even notice the time passing
          you carry your own toilet paper wherever you go
          you always read by flashlight
          you horde tent stakes
          you wear 2 pairs of socks to bed
          you sleep under a trash bag
           you always have hat hair
           you're always counting how many matches you have left
          you tie up your little brother...and he can't get loose
          you roast mini marshmallows on a paper clip over a candle, put it on a golden graham with a shaving of
     chocolate," just to get the flavor"
          you always cook enough food for twelve
          pie iron pizzas is the best meal you've had all week
          you open letters with a pocket knife
          you eat ants on a log and like it
          you wear bread bags on your feet
          you know 365 one pot meals
          you help little old ladies...whether they want it or not.
          your neighbors hide when they see you going around the neighborhood with, "that order
          form"
          you have to go to the bathroom and you look for a buddy
          you tie your shoes and look in the handbook to see if it counts towards a merit badge
          you see a pile of rocks and immediately put them in a circle
          you know 100 uses for a bandana
          you collect used candles and dryer lint
          your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off

         Dear Mom & Dad,

      We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our
      parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2
     sleeping bags got washed away.

     Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
      happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the
       cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found
     him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

      Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said
      he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you
      put gas on a fire, the gas could blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.
     Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

      We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the
       wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you
       have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We
       think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on
      the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until
       the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

       Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry
      how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we
     ever see up there are logging trucks.

      This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster
       Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his
      cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees
      under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't
      even get mad about the life jackets.

       He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
      Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut
       his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb
     said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

       I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about
     anything. We are fine.

                                        Love,

                                       Your son
 

                 P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

                   YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR SCOUTING TOO SERIOUS IF:
 

          You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur-de-lis hood ornament.
          Your favorite color is "Olive Drab".
          You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house.
          You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party.
          You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your belt.
          You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting.
          You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official BSA
          pocket knife until the cop said "thank you".
          You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days.
          Your son hides his copy of Boy's Life from you.
          Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper.
          You trade your 25 foot center console fishing boat in on that great little 15 foot canoe.
          Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" starring Fred MacMurray, and you spent months
          trying to convince Disney to release it on home video.
          You managed to find that 8th day in the week.
          Your patron saint is Ward Cleaver.
          You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
          You sneak a cup of "Bug Juice" after the troop turns in for the night.
          You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
          Latrines at camp start becoming comfortable.
          You felt you won a moral victory when BSA brought back knee high socks.
          You think campaign hats are cool.
          You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 ° F for Christmas.
          You name one of your kids Baden.
          Your favorite tune is "Camp Granada" (hello mudda….hello fadda) by Allen Sherman.
          You can recite the 12 points of the Scout Law backwards, in order, in 3 seconds flat.
          You bought 10,000 shares of Coleman stock on an inside tip they were about to release a
          microwave accessory for their camp stove line.
          You can't eat eggs anymore unless they are cooked in a zip-lock bag.
          You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book.
          You took a chemistry course at the local college to help you develop a better fire starter.
          You actually own a left-handed smoke shifter.
          The height of your social season is the district recognition dinner.
          A trip to Philmont is a pilgrimage.
          You are convinced the center of the universe is Irving, Texas.
          The sales operators at the BSA distribution Center's 800 number recognize your voice.
          Singing "Scout Vespers" makes you cry uncontrollably.
          You were disappointed when Scouting magazine didn't win the Pulitzer Prize last year.
          The Scouts in your troop chipped in to have you abducted by a professional cult
          de-programmer.

                                     Rate Yourself!
                          30-36        Hopeless.
                          24-30        Condition is "serious" but not fatal.
                          18-24        You must be an SA.
                          12-18        You're OK but be careful..
                          6-12          You obviously still have a life.
                          Under 6     Still in Cub Scouts, right?

Laws of Boy Scout Summer Camp

1. The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of insect repellent remaining.

2. The distance to a given camp site is constant as twilight approaches.

3. Any stone in a hiking boot will migrate to the point of maximum pressure.

4. The probability of dysentery increases with the square of the poison ivy content of the local vegetation.

5. Universally, all foods assume the uniform, taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.

6. Tent stakes come only in quantity "N-1", where N=the number of stakes required to hold down the tent.

7. When utilizing a mummy bag, the urgency to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn.

8. Waterproof clothing isn't. It is however, 100% effective at retaining sweat.

9. Weight of the backpack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food consumed from it.

10.  When hiking boots are removed, it is not possible to put them back on.

11. Water bottles that are full when packed, will spontaneously deplete prior to arrival at campsite.

12. Under any condition, matches will find a way to get wet.

13. A single rock located under a tent will also be found to relocate under the sleeping bag.

14. All tree branches grow outward at exactly the height of the human nose.

15. The sun sets 3.5 times faster than normal when setting up camp.

16. No matter where you are going it's the wrong path.

17. No matter where you end up it is the wrong campsite.

18. Blisters always occur in a triplet arrangement on the human foot.

19. Socks which are designated as "an dry extra pair" won't be.

20. The universal constants are rain, poison ivy, and spiders.

21.The amount of rain that falls in the middle of the night, in inches, is equal
to the distance you must travel to reach dry ground squared.

You've Been a Scout Leader Too Long if...

1. You drive a Pinewood Derby car to troop meetings.
2. You volunteered the Troop for active combat in Bosnia.
3. You teach your scouts to help old ladies to the median then run like heck.
4. The "live off the land" campout was at the town dump.
5. Your hood ornament is a Fleur-de-lis.
6. You are beginning to think you look pretty good in scout shorts.
7. Your last dinner party featured foil dinners.
8. You raise your hand in the scout sign at business meetings.
9. Your son hides his copy of "Boys Life" from you.
10. Your bathroom remodeling included digging deeper and creating a lime storage bin.
11. Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" with Fred McMurray.
12. You think campaign hats are cool.
13. You disconnected the dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
14. You have begun saving recipes because your retirement plans include writing a Dutch Oven Cookbook.
15. You named one of your kids Baden.
16. You're a grown man, wearing a bandanna and goofy shorts and you're  volunteering to spend time with my kid.
17. You have received a Nobel prize, were elected president, discovered the cure for aging, and still thought your greatest achievement was being elected merit-badge counselor.

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